There are times I just want to turn off the radio because it seems every song is making me cry. And there are times I don’t want a song to end. There is music that could be the soundtrack to our journey.
First it was “Odds Are” by the Barenaked Ladies. “Odds are we’re going to be alright”. It came on the radio as I pulled into the parking lot at St. Mary’s to get the blood test that would later confirm Zoey’s diagnosis. I remember sitting there crying and calling Joe to tell him it must be a sign that everything would be okay. Turns out the odds were not in our favor. And sometimes I feel like “struck by lightening” would have been less painful.
I found the song “I Will Carry You” soon after we received the diagnosis. The writer of the song shares a similar story to ours. They chose to carry their child even though they knew she would not survive. It’s about keeping your faith and trusting that God will care for your baby even after you have empty arms. I have the lyrics framed with Zoey’s newborn photos and footprints.
I remember standing in the Magic Kingdom watching the Wishes fireworks show– my hand on my belly– listening to “When You Wish Upon a Star”. Everything was so beautiful and magical, but I really wanted to pluck Tinkerbell down and slap her. We’d been wishing for Zoey’s health and knew that no matter how much our hearts wanted it, all our dreams would not come true.
After Zoey was born, I never really sang lullabies to her. I can’t remember the words to any of them. But I sang the chorus of “Peace” by OAR to her. They words seemed so fitting:
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want you, I want me, I want peace
Picking out the music to use in her video and at her memorial service was gut-wrenching. I chose “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” to open the service. The Lion King holds a special meaning for me and it just seemed so fitting there at the Zoo. The others I think you just have to listen to and you’ll understand why I chose them. Zoey was my “Borrowed Angel”. Are there more fitting lyrics than “why do they go so soon, the ones with souls so beautiful”? I guess heaven did need her back again.