Day 13: Seasons

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Last fall, we had the elation of finding out I was pregnant. We spent the first part of it wondering if we’d be picking out pink or blue.  We heard the heart beat for the first time.  Saw our little peanut on an ultrasound.  One year ago we were just starting to learn about Zoey’s condition.  In fact, the 10k I walked on Sunday with my friend is the same one I walked with her last year when we’d just had the ultrasound that showed a problem.  Fall was all about uncertainty.

Winter brought the confirmation of Zoey’s diagnosis. And the fear of losing her before meeting her.  I’m not a fan of winter with its cold and darkness anyway.  But there were many nights that felt colder than the temperature outside.  Yet, winter gave us the downtime to really focus on bonding with her.  We spent many quiet nights on the couch, cat on my lap, and read to her.

Spring gave us the most amazing gift. I’d say it was a warm beautiful spring day, but I have no idea—I went to the hospital on the last day of April, but Zoey held out for May.  She preferred emeralds to diamonds. After she was born, we weren’t sure she’d get to go home, but I really wanted her to breathe the air outside. One of the amazing nurses at the hospital helped us arrange a trip to the rooftop so she could feel the breeze and sun on her cheeks.  So she could feel spring breathing life back into the world as she took her first breaths.

Summer has always been my favorite season. And this past one was by far the best.  It was the summer I walked my daughter through the neighborhood.  It’s the summer we took her to the park, the petting zoo and a baseball game. The summer the three of us spent as a family.

And then she left us one late summer day. It’s been six weeks which brings us back to fall.  In the seasons to come, we’ll miss taking her to the pumpkin patch and playing in the fall leaves.  We’ll miss her trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue.  Sitting on Santa’s lap.  Mother’s Day.  Her birthday.  A lifetime of seasons without her.

Zoey left her mark on every season and I know I’ll feel her in the bright leaves of fall, the snowflakes on the window, the flowers that bloom in spring and the butterflies that flutter across my path in summer.

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