Sebastian-zoeyIf you’d given me a sneak peek of this point in my life ten years ago, I would not have believed you.  I would have given you a shake of the head and said you had me confused with someone else.  I know plans tend to take at least a few unexpected turns, but somewhere along the way, I tossed my life plan completely out the window.

We spent May 1st at the Zoo celebrating the birthday of our daughter who should have been turning five.  Should have… but didn’t. Because she died. We’ve been to the Zoo on Zoey’s birthday many years since her death.  But that day, we also took our son.  The one we adopted after years of failed fertility treatments.  I suppose nobody imagines the pain of losing a child, the struggle to get pregnant and the twists the adoption process gives you, but there I was wearing my “Zoey’s Crew” t-shirt while holding the most adorable baby boy.

Joe and I talked about Zoey a lot that day.  We remembered how scared we were to go to the hospital not knowing if we’d even get to meet her alive.  We talked about the decision to have a c-section (well, in reality, it wasn’t a decision—there was no question in my mind). We talked about the joy she brought us.  And we talked about the heartbreak of losing her.  We talked about how complicated it is to miss her but be so overjoyed to have Sebastian.  It’s difficult to grasp that he wouldn’t be in our lives if she was alive.  He hasn’t erased the pain of losing Zoey, but he’s brought much-needed light and joy to our home.

The new life plan is messy and confusing. Broken but beautiful.   It makes “expect the unexpected” reality.   I would have never imagined the next step our little family is taking.  Growing again.  We have the exciting opportunity to adopt Sebastian’s sibling, due in September.  Less than a month before Sebastian’s first birthday.  I’m still trying to wrap my mind around having two kids so close together, but we feel this is part of the new plan.  Crazy.  Busy. Complicated.  Magical.

Sometimes the unexpected is more beautiful than you ever imagined.