It’s Quiet Uptown

There are moments that the words don’t reach

There is suffering too terrible to name

You hold your child as tight as you can

And push away the unimaginable

I went to see Hamilton this afternoon. I purposely avoided watching the version on Disney Plus because I wanted to see the show live in person first. But I knew this song was coming.

The moments when you’re in so deep

It feels easier to just swim down

I distinctly remember the first time I heard it. I was driving to work. Crossing the bridge over the Mississippi and Kelly Clarkson’s version came on the radio. It was two years after Zoey died. Two years after I held her as tight as I could. And pushed away the unimaginable. Until I couldn’t anymore.

And learn to live with the unimaginable.

I sobbed in the car that morning. I’m sure I was a mess by the time I got to work, but the rest of the drive was a blur. How could these lyrics capture it so perfectly? I often wonder how Lin-Manuel Miranda suffered to allow him to express it so profoundly.

Today I sat in the theatre, awaiting that song. And I cried as Eliza held her son. As the sound of his heart stopped. Just as Zoey’s had. I’m glad it was dark in the theatre. And I wondered if anyone else was crying the same way—the way only a parent who held their child as her heart stopped cries.

There are moments that the words don’t reach

There’s a grace too powerful to name

We push away what we can never understand

We push away the unimaginable

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