Chaos and Hope

Every October since Zoey died, I have taken part in the Capture Your Grief project.  That is until this year.  This year I just never could find the time, space or words.  It’s been a bit hectic since I last wrote.  We’ve started the adoption process.  And with it the mounds of paperwork.  It is a bit overwhelming and I wonder how we’ll ever get through all of the steps.  I need to keep reminding myself that it is one day at a time.  One form at a time.  One online learning module.  I feel like I’m back in college, but this time I’m writing essays about myself and asking for letters of reference regarding my ability to parent rather than my ability to hold a job!  But with the chaos comes the hope.  Hope that we will once again get to parent a living child.

Next month we will invite a stranger into our home, allow her to wander through our house checking for smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.  She’ll look into our cabinets and make sure our medications are safely out of reach of children.  And she’ll open the door to Zoey’s room.  A room that has been empty for more than three years now, but remains as it was the day she died.   We have another spare room in our house so we could use that for another child.  But that just doesn’t feel right.  Zoey’s room feels right.  Allowing the sun to shine through the blinds once again.  Swaying under the ceiling fan where my mom attached a homemade mobile.  Pulling a book from the shelf of stories our family and friends sent to her.  Breathing new life into the space.  That room is where I felt Zoey belonged.  And it’s where I believe another child can make new memories while still feeling her presence. I am not trying to replace my daughter.  But Joe and I know there is more love to give.

My most recent story for Still Standing was just published. You can find it here: http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/11/body-betrayal/

 

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