The last time I was here, we’d just found out that the first embryo transfer failed.  We had one frozen embryo left to try.  After giving it some thought, we went ahead and transferred the 3rd embryo in early August.

And then we waited.  Held our breath.  Tried not to hope too hard.

But you can’t help yourself sometimes, can you?  I started imagining life with a baby again.  A boy this time.  And I wondered if he’d have my eyes.  And how cute he’d look in that little outfit at Target.  I thought about how I’d tell my husband that he’s going to be a dad again– this time to a son.  My mind wandered and I begin to dream despite my best efforts to avoid those possibilities.

But then the phone rang.  And I knew as soon as I answered.  I kind of knew all along. Because not everything is puppies and rainbows.

The second transfer– the one with the only remaining embryo– failed.

I’m not ready to give up on having another child.  But I’m ready to have my  body back. I’m tired of feeling like a science experiment. I’m tired of the poking, prodding and drugs. I’m tired of the mood swings and irrationality.  I’m tired of a group of doctor’s sitting around a table talking about me.  I’m tired of statistics. I’m tired of failing.

I’m ready to move to the next path.  To at least explore what other options are available to us.  I don’t know where it will take us.  We’ll just have to keep hiking as we have through all of this.

**I am now a contributor for Still Standing magazine.  It’s an online source for families dealing with child loss and infertility.  Some of my blog posts will appear there instead of here, but I’ll try to remember to post them here as well.  As always, thank you for allowing me to share our journey with you.  My first was in July.  Here’s the link**

http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/07/on-the-cliff/