Day 3: Trying to conceive.

It’s been 13 months.  I remember thinking when we decided we would try again that it would be easy .  How the hell was I still so naive after everything we’ve been through? But I thought my body would know what to do (that’s what you hear, isn’t it?).  After a few months went by, I decided to go back on fertility medication and undergo further testing.  Everything looks fine.  But still nothing.  Every month I continue to take medication and track and get blood work and hope.  We were prepared to undergo IUI in March.  On the way to the appointment, they called and basically (and more delicately) said “Don’t bother”.  And now we wait again.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  It’s exhausting.  I feel like a complete failure.  And honestly, I wonder if these are the signs the universe is sending me and I’m just ignoring them.  We’ll try IUI for a few rounds. If it doesn’t work, I’m not sure we will pursue other options.  IVF is expensive and it isn’t a guarantee.

People have asked if we’ve considered adoption.  We’ve had brief discussions about it. We respect each other enough to understand and appreciate that we might not be on the same page about it and would never pursue anything that we both are not completely committed to.  Because it’s not like you go to Target and pick out a baby.  There are plenty of horror stories about failed adoptions.  I know there are also plenty of success stories.  But there are plenty of success stories about IUI and IVF—that doesn’t mean it’s OUR story.  It’s also expensive and while you hate to even make that part of the discussion, it is reality.  It would be irresponsible not to take all factors into consideration.  Right now I feel like we’ll have to cross that bridge at another time. For right now, we’re still pursuing a pregnancy.  I fear I will get completely overwhelmed if I try to walk down too many paths at one time.

And honestly: I’m tired.  Everything has a financial, physical and emotional price.  We’ve had enough.  Everyone agrees that losing our child is the most we should have been put through, right?  You can argue these trials are meant to make you stronger.  That they show how tough you are. That they show how much you want it.  But that’s total bullshit.  If we decide to stop all of this, it won’t be because we didn’t want another child badly enough.  We carry the grief of losing Zoey with us daily. And it’s heavy.  Sure, some days we feel stronger.  But we have to carry it forever.  And I can’t help but know that even if we do get pregnant or adopt, we could lose that child as well.  There comes a time when you realize that you are completely exhausting yourself emotionally.  We both realize that there’s a possibility  that we will not get to raise any living children.  If that’s the path meant for us, we will feel the loss of that dream.  But we will find joy in other ways. I know that.  But it doesn’t make the process any easier.

Day 4: Today I feel….defeated.  Month after month of disappointment.  I know I’m in one of those “dark” places right now.  And I’m having trouble shaking it.  It’s difficult to make decisions.  And it’s difficult to feel like you are putting the rest of your life on hold until you know what’s going to happen. And I don’t understand it. None of it.  I don’t understand why we lost Zoey. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for us.  Why do terrible people get to have children when they will abuse, neglect or kill them? Why are there so many unintended pregnancies?  I don’t think you can look at our story and doubt our dedication or our love.  So I’m giving myself permission to just feel crappy.  I try so hard to stay positive.  To always look to hope.  But that’s exhausting too.  And frankly, I should be allowed to be honest about the bad days (or weeks).  And I don’t want to pretend just so people think I’m healing or coping like I “should”.  All of this sucks. That’s my reality.

Further proof I can smile and cry simultaneously: Miles and Matilda were at the zoo and stopped by Zoey’s brick.  They have a sister named Hattie who is with Zoey.  Their mom and I like to think Zoey, Hattie and Evey are best friends. We just wish we could watch them play.



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