Capture Your Grief: Day 21. Sacred Space

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I feel at peace by the water. I feel close to her when I can walk along the waters edge. There’s something about the ocean air.  The sound of the waves.  And the water—the color of her eyes.  The wonder of a world you cannot fully see or understand. Joe and I often talk about picking up and moving to be closer to the ocean.  I don’t know if that’s the right decision or not.  I don’t know what it would be like to not live in this house—the only one Zoey ever lived with us.  Her room is the same.  It took us months to even unplug the wipes warmer (a gadget Joe insisted on having for his little princess).  And the truth is, she’s everywhere here.  I have her photos and reminders of her on our mantel, a have a bookshelf in the office with more gifts and photos. Clyde and Zoeybear sit on the back of the couch. There’s not a room in this house that does not have a reminder of Zoey.  I even carry a tiny Squirt plush with me in my purse.  I wonder what it would be like to pack up those things and move them.  And I wonder what we would do if we had another child.  Would that baby just slide into the room barely used, but still full of Zoey’s things?  I don’t dwell on the “what if” much. I can’t.  It’s not worth it worrying about something that may not happen.  And if it does, we’ll find our way then.  But it has crossed my mind how we integrate Zoey into our home and into our lives moving forward.  She will always be a part of us.  Always be our daughter, but I don’t know what that will look like years from now.  For now, I take comfort in having reminders of her all around me.

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