For many years after getting married, it was just Joe and me.  And we were good—really good.  But Zoey made us better.  Our little family grew to three and it’s still three even without her physically present.

Joe and I went to a couple’s grief retreat last weekend and one of the expressive therapy exercises had you create your “world” as it is now.  We had representations of each of us and of Zoey.  But I also included an anchor—and next to it a symbol for another child.  What most of you don’t know (but I’m sure you were wondering—trust me I’ve heard the question enough to know that some of you are) is that Joe and I have been trying to add to our family of three.  But it hasn’t been easy.  It is emotionally taxing and there is a good chance that there will come a time when I say enough.  A time when we decide that our family of three is enough.

It is not a decision we made lightly.  It took us three years to get Zoey and anyone else who has dealt with infertility knows it isn’t always a pleasant path.  The thought of adding another child also opens up a world of questions.  Would it change our relationship with Zoey?  Will it look like we’re just trying to replace her (we’re not).  Will people think another child fixes the wound losing her caused us (it doesn’t).  And there’s just the fear of it happening again.  What if we lost another child? Now I know too much– I know too many people who have lost their children to so many different conditions.  But I also know the love I have for her.  And know that it is worth the risk.  I know what being a mom is about.  What growing our family is about. And the love outweighs the fear.  Love always wins. Hope wins.

Pictures from my grandmother’s 90th birthday in 2014.  The bottom photo has her granddaughters, great-granddaughter and great-great-granddaughter!!  I am in awe of this woman.  She’s now 91.  Not only is she in remarkable physical condition for her age, but she’s also one of the strongest, most loving people I know.  She’s lost so much but keeps giving her heart over to love.  If I have any strength, any grace, it’s because of the example she and my mother have set for me.

Our “world”.