I learned long ago that harboring anger over the small things is a waste of time. Sure, I may rant, get it off my mind but I rarely carry it with me for long. The people who have been insensitive to us: I chalk it up to not knowing any better. Most have not intentionally set out to inflict pain. It just happens.
It’s the big things that are harder to wrap your mind around. And to release. But just how do you forgive when you’re not even sure who or what to blame? Do I blame God? I’ve had moments. But I’m holding out hope that I’ll understand some day. Mother nature? The universe? I’ve never really fully placed the blame there.
Myself? Was I too old to have a baby? Did I do something wrong somewhere along the line that caused my DNA to do this to my child? The genetic counselors have reassured me that it’s just bad luck. We were not responsible. But tell that to the voice in your head. It was my job to protect Zoey. Did I fail her? Is there more I should have done? Did I miss something that could have kept her with us one more day? Did I cause her any pain? I fought for the feeding tube that she pulled out. Was she telling me? Did I not listen to her closely enough?
I feel guilt for bringing pain to Joe and our families.
To be clear, I do not regret having Zoey. But the truth is there are moments where I’ve second guessed every decision. I wanted no regrets. And I have no regrets about the way Zoey was loved. None. But you can’t always stop the voice in your head that says you failed. I know that being angry at God, the universe and myself will not bring her back. But those thoughts are part of the darkness that I’m roaming around in– that I fight. Most of the time I feel I’m sufficiently focusing on the joy Zoey brought to us. And I would never want her looking down on me thinking I regretted one moment with her. I loved my daughter wholly, completely and without reservation. Maybe knowing that is how I forgive myself for not being able to save her.