I’ve always been good at taking care of myself– or at least good at doing what I want, when I want. It’s actually one of the things that most concerned me before having Zoey. I wondered if I was too selfish to have a child.  I enjoyed going to the gym, shopping and baking.  And the beach.  Joe and I were always looking for ways to get back to the water.  But after Zoey arrived, I felt like I easily settled into life with her and didn’t miss those other things the way I thought I would.  Sure I had to get out sometimes, but it always caused a lot of anxiety.  I was much more content at home cuddling with my girl.

I’ve been in a mood the past few days– and not a good one.  I’m having trouble shaking it. I’m annoyed, restless, cranky.  I don’t like being in this place.  I met a friend this morning before work to start training for Zoey’s race.  I took in the crisp fall air and felt good that I was back running after a year away.  But as soon as I got back home, the mood settled back in.  I went shopping.  Despite a new dress, I’m still irritated, anxious.  I had a new recipe to try.  But even salted caramel chocolate chip cookies could not heal me.

Joe and I are planning our next vacation.  To the beach, of course.  But even that doesn’t hold the same allure as it once did.  And there are implications with this trip.  We’re planning on taking her ashes.  And I know that these are all things I would not be doing if Zoey was here.  I’d trade them all in a heartbeat.  I miss her more than I’ve ever missed the beach.

I just don’t want to stay in this place for too long. I don’t want the mood to settle. I will always carry her loss with me, so I at least want to carry it gracefully. I think I’ll look through some of her photos. Watch a video or two.  As much as it hurts to do those things, it also helps reset my perspective. Reminds me to live a more purposeful, meaningful life.

I love this picture of Zoey and my mom.  I can imagine they conversation they are having.  Grandma is telling her something and she obviously does not agree.  I’m sure you can guess who wins.