There is so much that I’m grateful for even after losing Zoey. My friends that hold me up, make me laugh and let me cry. For the perfectly timed hugs and texts. My mom and grandma: two of the strongest women I know. I’m thankful they’ve taught me resilience and strength and how to keep loving even with a broken heart. And my husband. We travel this together. I’m thankful for the cuddles from my cat. For tree lined running trails. A warm home. There are a million little things.
There’s something I’ve been missing desperately, though. Thoughts of it have consumed me the past few days. I want to release the ache of missing it and just be thankful I had the experience. Zoey spent every night sleeping against my chest. But that was also our “go to” comfort spot. Soon after she was born that’s where she was. Where she spent much of her life in the following months. When she was upset, I’d hold her there and she’d settle down. When we were out, it’s where she wanted to be–she could still look out with one eye but not get overwhelmed. From the first time I held her to her very last breath, that was home. Maybe it’s because she could hear my heart beat just like she did for nine months while I carried her. I miss her there desperately, but I’m so thankful I was allowed that experience at least for a little while. And I’ll always love that I was able to comfort her. I’m grateful for knowing that cuddling my baby against me made her world a little better.