Why I chose this picture: I always loved when Zoey would open those big beautiful and take in the world. Helping her explore opened my eyes to so much that I took for granted. She continues to teach me, to guide me.
The last year has been exhausting. Physically and emotionally I am drained. We’ve experienced such a whirlwind of change. Constant change. We’ve ping-ponged between joy and anguish so often that I’m not sure where I landed. I’ve called this a journey. I feel like I’m all over the map. My pregnancy did not go the way it is “supposed” to go. I felt like so much of the experience was stolen from me. It is supposed to be a time of excitement and anticipation. And it was, but also a time of fear and anxiety. We were so excited to meet Zoey, but terrified she would never take a breath. The following months were the same. She was the best part of me. My purpose. Joy and love and beauty in a 6.1 pound package. But we never escaped knowing we’d have to give her back. And where does it leave me now? How do I fit in the world? How do I find my place? I’m her mom, but she’s not here. I am forever changed but left with only memories. I’m not sure how to hold on to her and move forward. I know I will never forget. I know she’ll always be in my heart. But it isn’t enough. And it doesn’t help me feel like I have a place. I need find a way for everything to coexist and not leave me so scattered. I want to be at peace with my grief. To know it will always be there but turn it into something that drives me instead of cripples me. I want to find joy again. Deep joy like I experienced holding my baby girl. I’m hopeful that I’ll get there. But I’m still under the cloud that’s been overhead for so long. I think I need to explore the darkness a little more before emerging to the light so that when I do, I can feel like it’s been a healing experience and that I allowed myself to learn what I could from this part of life.