Day 17: Explore

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Why I chose this picture: I always loved when Zoey would open those big beautiful and take in the world.  Helping her explore opened my eyes to so much that I took for granted. She continues to teach me, to guide me.

The last year has been exhausting.  Physically and emotionally I am drained. We’ve experienced such a whirlwind of change.  Constant change.  We’ve ping-ponged between joy and anguish so often that I’m not sure where I landed. I’ve called this a journey. I feel like I’m all over the map. My pregnancy did not go the way it is “supposed” to go. I felt like so much of the experience was stolen from me. It is supposed to be a time of excitement and anticipation. And it was, but also a time of fear and anxiety.  We were so excited to meet Zoey, but terrified she would never take a breath.  The following months were the same.  She was the best part of me. My purpose.  Joy and love and beauty in a 6.1 pound package. But we never escaped knowing we’d have to give her back. And where does it leave me now?  How do I fit in the world?  How do I find my place?  I’m her mom, but she’s not here.  I am forever changed but left with only memories.  I’m not sure how to hold on to her and move forward.  I know I will never forget. I know she’ll always be in my heart. But it isn’t enough.  And it doesn’t help me feel like I have a place. I need find a way for everything to coexist and not leave me so scattered.  I want to be at peace with my grief.  To know it will always be there but turn it into something that drives me instead of cripples me.  I want to find joy again.  Deep joy like I experienced holding my baby girl. I’m hopeful that I’ll get there.  But I’m still under the cloud that’s been overhead for so long.  I think I need to explore the darkness a little more before emerging to the light so that when I do, I can feel like it’s been a healing experience and that I allowed myself to learn what I could from this part of life.

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