Day 4:Now

d&jballoons name

Now: Who am I now?  It’s hard to know. The loss is too fresh. The wounds too open.  I know I’ve changed– I am changing, but I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, next week or next year.  Bitter? Angry? Hopeful? At peace?  I want to be in a good place. For me, for my family and especially for Zoey.  I want to live a life she’d be proud of.  I want to honor her memory and her life.

I’m not sure where I belong right now.  My hold habits feel uncomfortable. Like I’ve slipped back into a life that doesn’t include Zoey.  But it does.  And it should. But instead of coming home to my sweet baby girl, I come home to an empty house.  It’s so quiet.  Friendships are changing.  I have new ones that are helping me on this path because we’re in the same crappy club.  But I have other friendships that I just don’t have the energy to nurture right now.  It’s nothing personal but social interactions can be really exhausting.  I’m not sure the support group world is where I belong either.   They all seem so sad.  Because they are.  They are filled with people who suffer unimaginable pain.  Or unimaginable for those who haven’t been there.  I do more than imagine it.  We attended an event this morning for those who have lost a child.  I’m part of them now.  My daughter’s name is on the shirt (though misspelled– maybe her little joke on us?)  We released a balloon– a symbol of releasing the grief.  Maybe there’s healing in shared pain, but it doesn’t feel right at the moment.

Now I’m a mother.  But without a baby to comfort in the middle of the night. Without a child to teach to tie her shoes.  Without my little girl to bake cookies with.  I’m feeling a bit lost right now navigating a world without my daughter.  We’re a family with a missing piece.  I’m a soul looking for comfort and peace.

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