Now: Who am I now? It’s hard to know. The loss is too fresh. The wounds too open. I know I’ve changed– I am changing, but I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, next week or next year. Bitter? Angry? Hopeful? At peace? I want to be in a good place. For me, for my family and especially for Zoey. I want to live a life she’d be proud of. I want to honor her memory and her life.
I’m not sure where I belong right now. My hold habits feel uncomfortable. Like I’ve slipped back into a life that doesn’t include Zoey. But it does. And it should. But instead of coming home to my sweet baby girl, I come home to an empty house. It’s so quiet. Friendships are changing. I have new ones that are helping me on this path because we’re in the same crappy club. But I have other friendships that I just don’t have the energy to nurture right now. It’s nothing personal but social interactions can be really exhausting. I’m not sure the support group world is where I belong either. They all seem so sad. Because they are. They are filled with people who suffer unimaginable pain. Or unimaginable for those who haven’t been there. I do more than imagine it. We attended an event this morning for those who have lost a child. I’m part of them now. My daughter’s name is on the shirt (though misspelled– maybe her little joke on us?) We released a balloon– a symbol of releasing the grief. Maybe there’s healing in shared pain, but it doesn’t feel right at the moment.
Now I’m a mother. But without a baby to comfort in the middle of the night. Without a child to teach to tie her shoes. Without my little girl to bake cookies with. I’m feeling a bit lost right now navigating a world without my daughter. We’re a family with a missing piece. I’m a soul looking for comfort and peace.