Its been nearly seven years since Zoey was with us. Seven years since I’ve held her, talked to her, felt her tiny body against my chest. Things change in seven years. Friendships, homes, jobs. My world has stayed similar—same house, same job. But people have come and gone from my life. To some, Zoey was real. A few were at the hospital anxiously awaiting her birth. Some came over to meet her, to hold her. To others—my new friends—she’s just a story. The daughter I talk about, but they never knew. A photo above my mantel. A name tattooed on my wrist. To the world outside my little bubble from seven years ago, I’m sure she’s hard to comprehend. Sometimes I wonder what they think. Do they wonder why I still grieve someone we knew for so little time? Do they believe that I’m healed and whole now that we have these two beautiful boys? Do they think Mother’s Day is only a celebration with my sons?
Because it’s not. It’s complicated as are most things. Today I did soak in being a mom to my boys. We snuck in extra cuddles on the couch and I just looked at their beautiful faces a little extra today. I’m so grateful to be their mom. But I miss Zoey. She made me a mother and I treasure the one Mother’s Day that I spent cuddling her.
Mother’s Day is hard for a lot of people. Moms like me who are missing their child. Women who wish to be moms but can’t. Women who feel like for whatever reason, that ship has sailed. Moms who don’t have a relationship with their kids—and the kids who don’t have a relationship with their moms. Those who have lost their moms. The list goes on. And I can’t help but think of the boys’ birthmother—what is Mother’s Day like for her? I wonder if she has regrets. I wonder if she’s found peace with her decision.
I’m blessed to have both my mom and my grandma with me. They have paved the way for me—persevering through loss and struggle and loving deeply through it all. I’m eternally grateful for the path they’ve paved for me and for their unending love and support as I make my way through motherhood.
To all those who find this day complicated, I hope you were gentle with yourself today. Sending my love to you.