If you see me this week and ask me how I’m doing, I will likely reply “fine”. But the truth is—I’m not really sure how I am! I’ve struggled to find words recently—words for what the past few weeks have looked like and how I’m feeling about our impending embryo transfer. My mind has been a rambling, meandering cluster. I’m disjointed and exhausted. So if you ask me, and I say “fine” what I really mean is “Tired. Scared. Nervous. Anxious. And hopeful”.
I’ve definitely been beating myself up throughout this IVF process. While I’ve never really had great self-esteem to begin with, it’s taken another hit. I had all of these great intentions to eat better, lose weight, and be in the best shape I could for this moment—our last hope. But I feel like I’ve failed. I’m still overweight. I still eat too much ice cream. I feel like this almost 40 year old body is just too old for this. Are we crazy for trying to have another baby? Is my body trying to tell me to knock it off? If it doesn’t work, will I blame myself?
Once again I am searching for that inner place where I can be proud of how strong my body is and how it will carry me forward no matter what struggles I face. It’s taking another beating now with estrogen and progesterone shots. I gave myself two shots in the thigh this weekend, bled and am sore, but I still went to spinning this morning. I’m choosing to keep moving even though it’s hard. I need to focus on those moments more often.
The truth is, I don’t even think I’m the most beautiful back in the days when I was in the best shape. I’m most beautiful holding my newborn daughter—where she could hear my heart beating. The heart that’s strong enough to keep beating even after hers stopped.
I just spoke with my doctor’s office to confirm which embryos we want them to thaw before Friday. Life is crazy. I know I’m strong enough to get through this. And I’m counting on this body to stick it out and hopefully carry another beautiful little miracle.