When I looked in those beautiful blue eyes, I knew her. Knew her soul. But still I wonder…
Toddling around chasing her kitty cat around the living room. Sitting on her daddy’s lap watching Disney movies (Star Wars if he gets to choose).
Eyes growing wide as we walk toward Cinderella’s castle on our first trip to Disney World. Twirling around in her blue tulle dress as she meets a real life princess. Falling asleep in my arms while clutching her plush Mickey.
Tiny little toes digging into the sand. Bright blue eyes glistening in the sun. Rushing into the waves and giggling as they knock her down.
Baking cookies. Dumping flour all over the kitchen floor and looking up, worried I’ll be mad. But we laugh instead as the cat leaves little white foot prints as she scurries away.
Running up the stairs at her grandma’s house with a bag full of fabric, anxious to get started on sewing her Halloween costume.
Scoring her first goal on the soccer field. Getting a high five from her dad (the coach) as I beam from the sidelines.
Trying on a prom dress. Falling in love with it. Glancing at the price tag and grimacing. Looking to me. And beaming as I nod my okay.
Catching my eye as she walks across the stage and collects her college diploma.
Standing in a white dress, the same flowers I’d worn at my wedding pinned in her hair. Tearing up as I give her the blue diamond earrings that her dad gave me more than 25 years before.
Sliding an ultrasound photo to me. Announcing that her dad and I are about to be grandparents.
I didn’t just lose my 4 month old. I lost every beautiful moment I dreamed of with my daughter. And yet, she will be with me for every mystery yet to come.