Mother’s Day was one of the most emotionally taxing days I’ve experienced since losing Zoey. I don’t know why. Maybe knowing she was here last year and gone this one. Maybe the cumulative days of surviving without her here. Of trying to be strong when I really didn’t have the energy. Maybe just knowing that being her mom is the best part of my life and that I wasn’t able to thank her for giving me that gift.
I don’t take for granted having her for one Mother’s Day. Last year was amazing. And it wasn’t because we did anything special or I received presents. Having her here was enough. I was able to cuddle her, kiss her, tell her that I love her. Dress her in an “I love mommy” onesie and a skirt her grandma made for her. I’m incredibly grateful for that day. I know some don’t get to spend even one Mother’s Day with their sweet babies.
I also do not take for granted that I was able to spend part of the day with both my mother and grandmother. Two of the strongest, most resilient women out there. The reason I was able to give myself completely to loving Zoey was because of the model they set for me. I hope my mood didn’t ruin the day for them because I am so in awe of them and appreciate all the love they’ve given me and all they love they gave Zoey.
I want to thank the friends that reached out to me—the ones that sent cards or texts and showed me their love. I know many people don’t know what to say. But these people overcame the fear of saying the wrong thing and tried anyway. And everything they said was perfect. Because they remembered me. And more importantly, they remembered Zoey. I’ve often heard that people don’t want to “remind me” or “bring it up”. You are not bringing up anything I haven’t already thought about. And it heals my broken soul to know others still think of Zoey. So please, if she ever crosses your mind, don’t hesitate to let me know.
I asked Zoey that morning to let me know she’s there. And she did. Our song on the radio. A penny. A cardinal. I know it would be easy to explain these things away. But I chose not to. Because I needed them. I needed her. I am still her mother. I will always be her mother. And it helps me to believe she sent me those cuddles.