Day 29: Reflect

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It’s been two months since I lost my daughter.  My world might look similar to this time last year from the outside: work, gym, dinner, cat on my lap, planning a trip to the beach.  But it isn’t the same.  I am not the same person.  Just looking back on my entries for the past month and even looking back to when I started writing almost a year ago, I see how interconnected everything is.  My support is also a resource.  Forgiveness and relationships.  And the grief connects to everything in my life.  It is inescabable.  Zoey changed every part of me.  So now every part of my life must change again.  There’s a Maya Angelou quote that says “If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change your attitude”.  I cannot change Zoey’s death. I cannot change that it will impact me everyday for the rest of my life.  My only choice is to frame it in a way I can live with.  To focus on how much I love her.  To look back in awe that I was given such a beautiful child– a beautiful spirit.  To spend the rest of my days living for her. I wish she was still here.  I will always miss her.  I will always carry the grief.  I just hope I can use it to find beauty.  To love more deeply. To live more completely.  I believe it’s what she would want from her mom.  She would want me to be strong.  She would want me to live and love as fully as possible.

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