I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of retreating. I’m actually scared of what would happen if I just stopped. Idle time is when my mind wanders. It conjures up the worst images. Things I don’t want to write about. They are too hard. Too awful. Idle time is when the doubt and regret creep in. I think if I keep moving they don’t have time to settle. I tried it tonight. Just to see. I did not like where my mind went.
The only place I really stop and reconnect is at the beach. There’s something about the sound of the waves crashing. I could listen for hours. It soothes me. I know running away is not the answer. I could hop on a plane tonight and settle myself under a palm tree but the pain would still be there. It will always be there– a tickle, an itch of it even on the best days. But maybe on a day when I find myself by the sea I’ll stop long enough to find a place for the grief that I can live with. Tuck it away so I can be at peace everywhere, not just when my toes are in the sand.